I wonder how many people live like I am living now. To be scared that anything they say will be the trigger needed for their family to lock them up. 2 years ago, when I was locked up in Vimhans, a psychiatric facility and worse than a mental asylum for those who do not know, I saw many women sent to Vimhans as a punishment for not being "good wives". There was an older woman there, Radhika, whose husband would just send her there every year for months on end. Money was obviously not a problem for them, and this woman was so gentle, so sad, and so bewildered at being locked up for months on end. The doctors would come and ask me every day, "do you feel guilty yet?" And though initially, I used to say No, later I started saying Yes, just hoping that maybe if I could fool the doctors into thinking I was a "surrendered wife", they would let me go home.
For 2 years, I have been grateful for life's simple pleasures. A shower in a bathroom I can lock (even the bathrooms there are not private...). A cup of tea brewed my way on my pretty balcony overlooking an old neem tree. A morning hug from Liam every morning as if he has not seen me for years!!
But now I question, all this at what cost? At the cost of truly being free? Because I am constantly evaluating the words that come out from my mouth. There is a constant mental dialogue in my head and I am scared of speaking because I am terrified of being locked up.
What do you think? Is it good to live in fear? Is it worth it for the sake of making your family happy to not be true to yourself? And should I keep putting up with being put down just because I have bipolar disorder and others don't? I don't put people down if they have diabetes or high blood pressure. Why should people feel they can put me down just because I am bipolar???
Love,
Jhilmil
PS: Shopping for a better psychologist and psychiatrist I can trust, hate Dr Nagpal at Vimhans... though my husband loves him! Should we see psychiatrists for us or for our families???
Posts
6 comments:
Dont get pushed..you need to go to doc with whom you are comfortable..
kuldeep
Oh sweetheart my heart aches on reading this. I have been trying to bring you out of this since last year and now i am wondering how do i take away the fear which has imbeded inside you.
At this point i can just offer you my ever present n supportive friendship and healing.
take the step sweetie.... i promise i wont let go.
Ved
Thanks Kuldeep and Vedika... your support means a lot!
Well I found another doctor at Max. He is approachable and seems kind. Let's see...
Hi Jhilmil,
I was more than shocked to read about your perception of events at VIMHANS. As a mental health professional, I would suggest you to send us more details of your situation there and at your family, so that we can at least get a clue to what had been happening. Like, 1. Why you were considered admissible in the first place? Were you suicidal? 2. What motive may your family members and/or Dr. Nagpal have in confining you to the hospital? 3. Did the attending doctor only ask you about whether you were feeling guilty? Nothing else? 4. If so, did you ask him why should you feel guilty? 5. Can you, as a person suffering from Bipolar Illness, think of any particular reason, why the bathrooms may not have any locks there?
Please write back, I am feeling disturbed.
Yours,
Mainak.
If the Vimhans people were wrong n there is something weird going on there... then this should come to light and the concerned authorities should take some corrective measures re the same.
All the Best.
Post a Comment